Psalm 40

Yesterday was Kyle’s 1^st day off after a huge deadline for his research group.  After weeks of being in the same house but never seeing each other, we decided to celebrate the end of this “mini-deployment” with a $5 movie (Spiderman) and a piece of cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory (Yum!) All seemed well, other than a little nausea during the movie (which I blamed on the theatre smelling like body odor, the massive screen, and the insanely loud speaker system.) We came home, and I made a bee line for my germ-free-non-public bathroom and realized I had passed a lot of blood and a clot. I yelled for Kyle to come. I quickly asked him to take Abner (our new puppy) out to potty, while I grabbed my OB book from the hospital with “emergency instructions,” my keys, and a bottle of water, and called my brother and asked him to pray. Kyle returned as I finished filling my bottle, and we headed towards the ER.

I laid down in the car and sent a mass text to pretty much everyone in my phone. Though I tried not to cry, the tears flowed. My heart and mind were filled with fear and memories of losing our son last summer. This entire pregnancy has been overshadowed with dates that loom ominously over me. The first was Duncan’s birthday in June. I now wait for 17 weeks (when our water broke), 18 weeks (making this pregnancy longer than last time), 24 weeks (viability), etc. I feel incredibly guilty that I am robbing this baby of the joy a pregnant mother should have; every twinge, every spot of blood, literally everything reminds me of how hard the last pregnancy was.  I prayed, Kyle prayed, our friends prayed, and we finally arrived at the ER. We left our car at the valet entrance and checked in. I burst into tears and blubbered through my name and why we were there; handed the receptionist my ID, insurance card, and hospital ID card; checked in and waited for triage. The triage nurse took my history and escorted me to the back to draw blood and place an IV. We proceeded to registration and waited. From the time we walked in the ER door, we only waited one hour before we made it to a room.  Not bad, as this included registration and such. (The ER was packed, and the nurses had estimated up to 3 hour wait times.) God provided in an amazing way!

We got into our room, I changed into my gown, leaving on my tank top (I refuse to let the ER get me naked,) and settled in for a while. The nurse sweetly instructed me to stay calm, as emotions can affect our baby, and we can’t jump the gun on any conclusions yet.  I appreciated the glimmer of hope. I always pray for God to give me Hope. He knows I sometimes need verbal affirmation and signs. My Father has always been good at providing those signs. I love Him for so many reasons and love how He loves me and pursues me constantly.

Our doctor performed an ultrasound revealing the baby was moving and had a good heartbeat. Praise God for this first bit of encouragement.  More blood tests, an EKG, and an exam that included checking my cervix (oh sweet heavens, why does it hurt so bad?) rounded out our visit. The doctor confirmed my cervix was closed, and after reviewing all of the medical evidence, she and another doctor said we looked good and could go home. We have definitely increased our risk over last week, but so far everything looks promising. We will follow up with our OB tomorrow morning. 

We definitely continue to covet your prayers. We truly look forward to bringing home our sweet baby in January. I continually pray as I have for the last year: I am weak, my heart is weak; I cannot do this without my Father, God. He hears my prayers asking for His strength even when I have no understanding.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.

Blessed is the man who makes
the Lord his trust,
who does not turn to the proud,
to those who go astray after a lie!
You have multiplied, O Lord my God,
your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us;
none can compare with you!
I will proclaim and tell of them,
yet they are more than can be told.

In sacrifice and offering you have not delighted,
but you have given me an open ear.
Burnt offering and sin offering
you have not required.
Then I said, “Behold, I have come;
in the scroll of the book it is written of me:
I delight to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart.” 

I have told the glad news of deliverance
in the great congregation;
behold, I have not restrained my lips,
as you know, O Lord.
I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;
I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
from the great congregation. 

As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain
your mercy from me;
your steadfast love and your faithfulness will
ever preserve me!
For evils have encompassed me
beyond number;
my iniquities have overtaken me,
and I cannot see;
they are more than the hairs of my head;
my heart fails me.

Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me!
O Lord, make haste to help me!
Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether
who seek to snatch away my life;
let those be turned back and brought to dishonor
who delight in my hurt!
Let those be appalled because of their shame
who say to me, “Aha, Aha!”

But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, “Great is the Lord!”
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!

--Psalm 40:  To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.